Overcoming Myself.

I haven't blogged regularly in over two years. I know why. I hate the reason why.

Self doubt.

A little over two years ago, it was insinuated that people did not trust me with "secret" information. I learned it was a common belief that everything I am told ends up on my blog or on Facebook.

When I learned this, I did some research and some soul searching. I didn't want to be that person that no one trusted because of my blog. I didn't want my friends and loved ones to think that they could not trust me with things. I found no instance in which I had told a story that was not my own to tell. Not a single status update giving away any information I wasn't allowed to give out.

And yet I still worried. I worried that I had missed something. That I had posted something that I was asked not to. So I stopped blogging.

I'm still worried.

But I'm also worried about the effect that this has actually had on me emotionally. I'm a little more walled off. A little less willing to let myself be apart of other people's lives. While it would be impossible  for me to care less about whether or not people like me, I cannot bear the thought of a friend thinking I would do something to intentionally hurt them. I have fewer friends now. I spend a lot more time alone.

That's not the person I want to be.

So please, stick with me. I'm trying to convince myself that I am correct in the assumption that I have not done what I have been accused of. I'm working on coming back here often. To my happy place. To continue to chronicle my life.

Because if I don't write this down now, no one is going to believe my stories later.

I Don't Look Good In Stripes.

I've got to make a confession.

I am amazed that I do not have some kind of police record. Although every crime I may or may not have committed in my youth would be Class C misdemeanors, IF I had committed any, I shouldn't have been lucky enough to not get caught.

My driving record? I've got a couple of speeding tickets. But before I turned 21 I had been pulled over 15 times. 13 of those were for running the same stop sign. The SAME stop sign. Why was I never given a ticket? (I say that, and now I'm sure I will totally be getting a ticket the next time I drive to my dad's house.) I'm not saying I wish they had given me tickets. I'm just saying my luck has NEVER been that good since then.

As for my clean police record? Well, I'm willing to give that up. I would totally commit a felony for any of the following:

• Steak n Shake french fries and a vanilla water. (This has been down graded. A friend on Facebook commented she ate there, and then had an upset stomach. I'd go as high as a Class A misdemeanor.)
• A shopping trip to Target.
• A peanut butter smoothie from Jamba Juice.
• Milk that didn't cost $4.50 a gallon. (And actually came in one of those plastic milk jugs. Man I miss those!). 
• A place to live that is NOT up 3 flights of stairs. I'm not complaining, but I'm complaining.
• Wall to wall to wall to wall carpeting. Hardwood floors are of the devil.
• An oven that could actually hold my muffin tin, AND had temperature settings in a unit of measure I could understand. And that can cook a whole chicken in less than 2 1/2 hours. 
• Wendy's french fries and a Frosty. (Though, word on the sträße is we're getting a Wendy's sometime soon.)
• A shopping trip to Kohl's.
• A Container Store near me. Online shopping just isn't cutting it.
• An Old Navy near me. (See above)
• And plenty more things I won't think of until I hit publish and think "DUH! How did I forget THAT?!"

I'm Registered "Independent" because "Indecisive" Isn't an Option

I in no way shape or form will ever claim to understand anything about politics. It's one area where I think people should just agree to disagree and then get over themselves. Having debates and listening to both sides is the only way we'll really ever make any kind of progress over anything anyway. There's a time and place for it. However, I also will never deny that I am not a fan of the most recent President Bush. This has nothing to do with the economy, the war, or any policy that was enacted while he was in office.

No. My dislike of Dubya lies soundly in a personal encounter I had with him. Well, not HIM, per se, but his entourage and cavalry that accompany him everywhere he goes.

A few years ago, he came to visit the Springs and speak at a NORAD conference or some such something. During his stay, he checked into a hotel on base. This makes sense to me. While there is a false sense of security on a base, the level of ACTUAL security is fairly staggering. I didn't care if he was staying in the hotel just down the road from my house. What DID bother me was that he decided to go out for a cheeseburger when I was trying to get home from the grocery.

The Secret Service and Security Forces shut down the three main roads between my house, and the commissary that was less than half a mile away. There was no way to, from, or around it. All of the roads were shut down because they didn't want people to know the exact route the caravan was going to take. Again, a safety precaution I totally understand. However, because the President wanted a cheeseburger, it took me 1 ½ hours to make the two minute drive to my house.

And that, Aunt Becky†, is why it is totally all his fault my ice cream melted.

(Also, this was the topic of my very first blog post, which is what started my blogging career. I randomly bring it up now, because Aunt Becky asked about it last week.)

Day 15: Trying to be cool, You look like a fool to me...

This song takes me back to a simpler time. Back when I was old enough to be held accountable for my own actions, but not quite a grown up. 
And a parking lot of a Piggly Wiggly in Windsor, Ontario. 

Day 11: How Nice Of You to Ask...

My day was a little boring.

Some work. Some reading.

Some cold medicine. Some orange juice. Some Sprite.

I'm actually still working, because some people I know have really icky jobs who do things like make them work 12 hours shifts for no real reason. It stinks.

But dinner is cooking, and I don't have to go to the store tonight. So.

Yes. Today was lovely. Thanks for asking. Even though you really didn't.

Tag Zehn: Fill In the Blank

Right now I really want a _warm pepsi, bottle of antacids, and a nap_.

I have had some crazy heart burn the last couple of days. Even after eating nothing but flavorless food, and half a container of Tums.

I haven't had heartburn this bad since I was preggo with Zephina. And at least that was productive heartburn and let me know she was going to be born with an awful lot of hair!

Day 9: Embarrassing High School Moments...

Okay, so,  I kind of feel like all 4 years of high school were one big embarrassing moment. I can't really come up with one specific thing where I feel like I wanted to just crawl into a corner and hug myself.

I can think of two specific times where I remember thinking "Oh my crap, this is not okay..."

1) When auditioning for drum major senior year, I counted the tempo in 4/4 time, and didn't realize it was supposed to be 3/4 time until two bars later, and then I got so flustered, I made the room of 75 musicians playing The Star Spangled Banner mess up. And that's a hard song to mess up, because everyone knows it, and it's hard to lose your place.

Needless to say, I was NOT made drum major.

and

B) (Again, a band related incident.) Although I did NOT make drum major, I was named band captain, which meant I was a part of the group that would represent the band and accept whatever award we happened to win. At the time, I had waist length, super straight, incredibly big hair. When I would put my hat on for competitions, it took some pretty amazing feats to get all of the hair tucked into the hat. At one particular competition, I had put my hair into two messy buns, directly on top of my head. No one could see them, so it wasn't a hairdo I would normally sport in public.

Except, no one reminded me to take them down when it was time to go on stage. So I stood in front of a few hundred people with a hair 'do very similar to this...

I really hope all the real photographic evidence has been destroyed.

Day 7: Quotably Quotable

I love quotes. Mostly, because I can usually find someone else's words for something I can't say myself. There is usually a perfect quote for every situation.

I came upon my current favorite quote a couple of years ago. Through some random search of the Google. When I stumbled upon it, I can't say I thought about it too much. Just a fleeting thought of "that's so true", and I didn't think of it again until September of 2008. When my beloved grandmother passed away.

Even then, I didn't remember it right away. It wasn't until my phone rang while I was in Gram's apartment taking a few of her things as mementoes that Bill Cosby's words crossed my mind again.

The caller asked me what I was doing.

I don't think "pillaging Grandma's house" was the expected answer.

With that, I give you the quote that has since bolstered me through many many things.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it. ~ Bill Cosby

Day 6: This Is a Given...

It took me NO time what so ever to figure out what TV character I am most like.
And if you have read any other entry in my blog, you will not be surprised.

The character I am most like?


Phoebe Buffay of course!

Day 2: I'm strong. Can't you see my muscle?

My strengths are pretty much equal in number to my faults. 

Actually, my biggest strengths are also my biggest faults.

1) I am brutally honest. I am mean. I will tell you that that outfit does, indeed, make your butt look big. I will tell you that I want to punch you in the face for being stupid. I won't lie to make you feel better about yourself. And? If I talk about you "behind your back" I will most certainly tell you the exact same thing to your face. 

and

B) I stand up for other people more than I do myself. If I am wronged, or am being treated unfairly, I may or may not let it go. Usually depends on the situation. I'm too lazy to argue a lot. If you mess with the people I love, or someone who is not able to defend themselves, I will come after you with everything I've got. It will not be pretty. 

The rest of the list can be summed up with bullet points.

• I am independently dependent. I do not rely on my husband for the "manly" things around the house. For two reasons. He's a computer guy, and I give him enough tech support work to do, the least I can do is pull out the cordless drill and fix that piece of broken furniture, and also? 6 month deployments. 'Nuff said. 
• I have patience. Not a whole lot, but enough that I can spend 10 hours a day with 6 children 5 years old and younger.
• I'm determined. Don't tell me I can't do something. I'll do it just because you said not to. (That should probably be listed as a flaw too.)
• I love. Everyone. Except for the general public. The general public has too many jack wagons in it for me to love it.

Day 1: Flawlessly Flawed

Erica and I really liked doing the first 30 day challenge, so we brainstormed up another list of 30.

Day 1 is today.

Topic: My Flaws

I am so full of flaws it's really hard to find a place to start.

• I am the flakiest person I know. I always seem to 
• I procrastinate. A lot. (That would be why this post is two days late.)
• I always THINK I can do more than I really can, thus ending up to the flakiness. 
• I am overly emotional. And not just in the "cries for no reason" way. When I am happy, I am very happy. When I am sad, I am very sad. When I am angry, someone should probably secure bail money.
• I am brutally honest. 
• I will stand up for other people, but rarely do so for myself. 
• While I am not lacking in the self esteem category, I am lacking in the self confidence one. I am convinced everyone already "knows" I am going to fail, so I end up failing in some weird subconscious way of proving them right. (I rationally know this is false. Thus, I can recognize it as a flaw.)

I am sure there are many more things I could add. It's probably not a good idea to go ahead and list them all. I have dishes to do and a kindergartener to pick up soon, so we'll just stop here. 

************************

The topics for the month are these if you would like to join in!

1. What do you feel are your biggest flaws?
2. What do you feel are your best strengths?
3. What funny thing happened yesterday?
4. What would your "perfect" Saturday look like?
5. If you could re-live one year of your life, without making any changes to it, which year would you choose?
6. Which TV character do you think that you are most like?
7. What is one of your favorite quotes and why?
8. What is your least favorite quote or saying and why?
9. What is something embarrassing that happened to you in high school?
10. Fill in the blank. Right now I really want a ___________________.
11. How was your day? 
12. What is your ultimate comfort food. And yes you can only pick just one.
13. What is the best piece of advice that you have ever received?
14. What is the worst advice that you have ever received?
15. Some songs bring us back to a moment. Share with us a song and the moment it reminds you of.
16.What is your favorite magazine, book and poem?
17. Go to Shopstyle.com and make or choose an outfit that best represents your style. Post it. 
18. What do you feel has been one of your biggest accomplishments?
19. Take a photo today and share it with us.
20. What are 5 things on your bucket list?
21. Share a random high school memory.
22. What was one of your favorite games or activities when you were a kid?
23. What is one tradition that you do with your family?
24. You’re leaving on a jet plane. Where are you headed and why?
25. What is your favorite Bible verse?
26. Share some highlights from the month.
27. Tell us about a concert you once went to.
28. Kids say the darndest things. What is something silly a child you know has said recently?
29. What superpower would you most want to have and why?
30. What is your favorite thing to either cook or bake?

Day 29: Aspirations

I aspire to be many things.

I'm not sure how to put it all into words short of:

I want to be the best wife, mother, daughter, friend, and teacher I can be.

While I doubt that most days I am on the right track for that, I know one day, I will be.

If not only because I hate to be told I can't do something.

Day 23: Cheaper Than a Good Defense Attorney...

What makes me feel better?

As Heather put it, it depends on what has upset me that dictates what makes me feel better.


Chocolate makes me feel better.
Ranting (even though it accomplishes nothing) makes me feel better.
Feeling like someone understands makes me feel better, even if they don't really understand.

And sleep. I usually can "sleep it off".

Pretty sure that naps have saved me from having to come up with bail money on more than one occasion.

NIce.

A sunshine award? SUNSHINE? Really Tiff?

You've known me HOW long? Since when am I a ray of sunshine?!

And a LOVELY blog? You mean this thing I write on maybe 4 days out of 30?

Are you sucking up for some reason? If you are, I say keep up the good work.*

Okay, so, I was passed these two awards by my darling Tiffany. And it's got rules.

Those rules are as follows...

A) Thank the person who gave them to you.
2) List 7 random things about yourself.
III) Pass it along to another 7 people.



Since I CLEARLY should talk about myself more, here goes...

1) My "happy place" for dentist appointments is the Cog Railway at Pike's Peak. Seeing what Katherine Lee Bates saw while writing America the Beautiful is overwhelmingly awesome.

2) I am irrationally afraid of squirrels, birds, and fish. I know that the fears are irrational, and yet, I can't overcome them. I should probably get a therapist.

3) I hate shopping for clothes for myself. I'd much rather shop for decor for my house. I'm never happy with how anything looks, and change things around every few months.

4) I am not prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

5) I drove on the Autobahn for the first time today. After living in Germany for 412 days.

6) Although I attended every home football game for 4 years in high school, I have no idea what the actually rules are. My version of them goes: The fat guys in spandex with the ball are the good guys, and the other fat guys in spandex are the bad guys and the bad guys are trying to get the ball from the good guys so they can switch roles.

7) I saw the movies The Talented Mr Ripley, The Beach, and American Beauty in the same weekend in 2000. I am pretty sure that this can be blamed for much of my lack of mental stability. They are the most messed up movies I have ever seen.


Now I have to pass this along. Pretty sure I don't have 7 bloggers to tag...

Let's see...
We'll go with...

Holly
Erica
Sara-with-an-H
Heather



* This is my version of a "thank you, you're too sweet" statement.