Thursday, November 20, 2008

I Learned Some Lessons Way Too Early...

(This is mainly for Beth. But you can read it too I guess. But you don't have to.) I've never lost a child. I know many many many people who have. (In real life and in the blogging world) What I should say though, is I've never lost a child I've known about. I had a miscarriage a few months ago. I didn't know I was pregnant. So it didn't affect me as much as I think it would have. I have however, lost my mother. And I know it's the opposite kind of grief that Beth is going through right now. But it sucks. And I'm bitter. And I'm pissed off. And I'm sad. I'm cranky. And I'm okay with it. Nine years old. I comforted adults at the showing (that lasted EIGHT hours because my mom knew EVERYONE in our town). I remember the day so clearly that I found out. I came home from school, and there were 4 cars in our driveway. No one had to tell me anything after that. When the minister, your aunts, and the YOUTH pastor are called in, it's never good. I accepted it. I "moved on". Hell, she was sick, and it was better for her. She wasn't suffering anymore. WHO THE HELL LETS A NINE YEAR OLD NOT CRY?! That was basically the day I grew up. June 8, 1992. My cousin Jennie turned 13 that day. It was the next to last day of 4th grade. I went to school the next day. We had a swing set, where I stayed with the neighbor girl for hours after they told me. I'm "running out" of memories of her. The only one that is still really vivid is her in the coffin. In the same room that we just held HER mother's funeral in two months ago. My family needs to get a freakin' new funeral home. Or start cremating people. I'm getting a little peeved. (It's also the same room we had my great grandmother, and my grandfather's funerals in. And the room were Mark from high school had his funeral senior year. I'm getting cremated and smashed into a diamond.) I completely agree with the statement that parents should NEVER outlive their children. But the other way mostly sucks too. Especially young kids. It's not fair. It's horrendous. And it pisses me off. So many times I think "what if" or "damn I need to talk to my mommy". She never caught me sneaking out. . She wasn't there to light the unity candle at my wedding. My dad didn't get to say "her mother and I" when asked "who gives this woman..." She didn't get to hold my hand while I was in labor So many days when I just want my mommy. And it will never change. And it will be this way for everyone. When they lose a parent. Most people are just lucky it happens when they are grown up. I just got a 17 year jump on my peers. Because I'm cool like that. ...so Beth. Please don't worry that you are grieving too much or too often. It comes in waves. Forever. It's always one day at a time. And that's all we're promised. But you are allowed to be bitter, and pissed off, and angry, and anything else that you feel. Because it's real. And if you can't be real with yourself... ...then you aren't really you.

7 Thoughts on This:

bonnie said...

I love you.

Brat said...

Well done.

Wings said...

Stop making me cry... I want to hug you now. And your friend. <3

Aunt Becky said...

*hugs*

What a lovely post.

Party of 5 said...

so very very true

Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry said...

I just want to squeeze you right now, not just because you have comforted me with your words, but because what you have experienced in your life, deserves a good squeezing, 1000 hugs, 4000 hours of talking with friends and so much more.

Nine years old. I can not imagine. I am so sorry, Sara, I really, truly am. The image of you on your swing set? Breaks my heart into a million little pieces.

I wish I could have been with you on the swing set.

I know your Mom is so proud of you right now and always. You are such an amazing person.

Thank you for sharing you with me.

Carey said...

and you look like your mom. i remember the last family picture of all four of you. it was beautiful and happy and goofy. we were funny girls, huh? were we ever that little?

i needed one last cry for the day, so thank you.